Random Thoughts

Square Dance: The other rap music.
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I wasn't a good student. Bad test scores. Didn't get into Hamburger University. Had to go to Hamburger Junior College for two years. Got my Associates Degree in Pickle Placement.
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I am a humanist, just as my cat is a catist. Only natural to back the home team.
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Ideals (revised) -- The truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. Pick any two.­­­
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Yogism: When you think about it, everything you could think of is there without thinking about it.
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Why? Why? Why is the moth attracted to the flame? What sends the lemming to the sea? What is the capital of North Dakota? Some questions are unanswerable.
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It takes 3,000 cows a year to make one season's worth of NFL game balls. Makes me wonder who trained 'em to run those sewing machines.
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Forgotten Historical Figures -- Michelangel'os brother, Tony, who painted the Sistine porch.
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Nearly half of all marriages end in death. No wonder divorce seems like the better option.
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Why dont they just train regular cranes to whoop?
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Rod McKuen: The most understood poet in America.
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Then she told me, "The sexual revolution has come and youre no Castro."
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PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE
If you were one of the 7 Dwarfs, which would you be?
Sneezy, Sleepy, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey
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Snow White is all about drugs.
Snow White? Coker.
Dopey? Obvious.
Happy? X.
Bashful. (Paranoid)
Doc. The connection.
Sleepy. Downers.
Grumpy? Jonesin'.
Sneezy, Remember that scene in Annie Hall?
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If you were a character from The Wizard of Oz, who would you be?
-- Look out for the flying monkey people.
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And then I told her, "This isnt puppy love, this is *dog* love."
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Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hour.
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She said: "My body is God's temple and my soul is the caretaker. Like a custodian of a church, ya know? And you don't let just anybody come up and stick his dick inside a church."
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My football career ended early, right after a tackling dummy stopped me three yards behind the line of scrimmage.
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I didn't make it as a terrorist. They sent me to blow up a car but I burned my lips on the tailpipe.
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She's raising money to build a drive-up window at the Eye Bank.
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Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most ferocious animal on earth.
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Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fischer-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky (for those of you at home keeping score)
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Ban on aerosols! Riot squads armed with roll-on mace.
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I have a friend who says he's gonna quit his job to serve the Lord (but only in an advisory capacity).
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He told his dog to heel and pup stopped limping.
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The best Christmas gift I ever got was a Deluxe Ant Farm With Ant Tractor, Ant Cows, Ant Chickens. A dragon fly as a crop duster
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Little Known Fact: Alligators wont eat you if youre carrying a flashlight. It all depends how fast you carry it.
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I used to work at a Japanese Fast Food place, where you took off only one shoe.
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Getting old isnt so bad. But when your memory goes, forget it.
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A Rousing Cheer for People with Short Attention Spans

SIS BOOM BOMBS AWAY!
COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY
CLOSE THE COVER ON YOUR MATCHES
COUNT YOUR CHICKEN WHEN IT HATCHES.
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She was looking for someone like her father: an old man who gives her money and sleeps with her mother.
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He's a very organized guy. I've seen him filing his fingernails. I usually cut 'em off and throw 'em away.
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Swanson Angry Man Dinner
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Swansons Cryogenic Turkey Dinner -- Pop it in the microwave, the turkey comes back to life.
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...they got together for a heart to heart talk and nearly froze to death.
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So ugly his mother got morning sickness after he was born.
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He told his kid about the birds and the bees. Kid told him about his wife and the mailman.
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When he was a kid playing in the sandbox, the cat tried to cover him up.
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Good taste is timeless, and good times can be tasteless.
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There are teddy bears. Why no teddy tigers? Teddy lions? Teddy iguanas?.
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A loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, and a thou beside me in the wilderness.
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Bad Hangover. Tried to commit suicide by pouring milk over Rice Krispies.
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Cleveland Street is never in a good part of town.
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My uncle has dedicated his live to devloping a sculpt-by-number kit.
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Time heals all wounds. Unless it gets infected, in which case time leaves a scab.
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Family Haircare Emporium Quartet Harmony.
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I'm in an Edna St. Vincent malaise.
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Which are you, a terrific roll in the hay or a turkey in the straw?
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I have trouble remembering three things: names, faces and something else.
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Just how many people in real life call a toilet the bathroom bowl?
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I tried to donate my body to science; science is contesting the will.
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I stayed awake last night trying to figure out the difference between Ricardo Mantalbon and Fernando Lamas.
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They claim Dr. Joyce Brothers knows a lot about boxing. No way. I decked her with three left jabs and a right cross.
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He was an only child, so had no playmates. Had to play with himself. Tried to go pro.
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Remember that kid in middle school who always showered alone after gym class? His mother was afraid he wouldn't like undressing in front of a room full of pubescent boys. My, how wrong she was. Turns out he really likes it now.
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I got these sleeping pills that promised, "You'll sleep like a baby." Wet my bed.
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Résumé entry: Goodyear Rubber, Akron Ohio. Blimp Folder
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In real life, there is no algebra.

Things I've Learned from My Cat

Take plenty of naps.

Stretch slowly and thoroughly before you get up from your nap.

Be curious.

Take delight in play.

Look others in the eye.

Know how to be quietly alone.

If you want love, let people know about it.

When you get love, let em know you appreciate it.

Groom yourself regularly.

Be confident in your ability to climb.

Amaze people with how high you can jump.

If you fall, land on your feet.

When shit happens, be quick to bury it.