Random Thoughts

Square Dance: The other rap music.
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I wasn't a good student. Bad test scores. Didn't get into Hamburger University. Had to go to Hamburger Junior College for two years. Got my Associates Degree in Pickle Placement.
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I am a humanist, just as my cat is a catist. Only natural to back the home team.
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Ideals (revised) -- The truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. Pick any two.­­­
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Yogism: When you think about it, everything you could think of is there without thinking about it.
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Why? Why? Why is the moth attracted to the flame? What sends the lemming to the sea? What is the capital of North Dakota? Some questions are unanswerable.
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It takes 3,000 cows a year to make one season's worth of NFL game balls. Makes me wonder who trained 'em to run those sewing machines.
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Forgotten Historical Figures -- Michelangel'os brother, Tony, who painted the Sistine porch.
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Nearly half of all marriages end in death. No wonder divorce seems like the better option.
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Why dont they just train regular cranes to whoop?
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Rod McKuen: The most understood poet in America.
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Then she told me, "The sexual revolution has come and youre no Castro."
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PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE
If you were one of the 7 Dwarfs, which would you be?
Sneezy, Sleepy, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey
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Snow White is all about drugs.
Snow White? Coker.
Dopey? Obvious.
Happy? X.
Bashful. (Paranoid)
Doc. The connection.
Sleepy. Downers.
Grumpy? Jonesin'.
Sneezy, Remember that scene in Annie Hall?
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If you were a character from The Wizard of Oz, who would you be?
-- Look out for the flying monkey people.
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And then I told her, "This isnt puppy love, this is *dog* love."
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Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hour.
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She said: "My body is God's temple and my soul is the caretaker. Like a custodian of a church, ya know? And you don't let just anybody come up and stick his dick inside a church."
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My football career ended early, right after a tackling dummy stopped me three yards behind the line of scrimmage.
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I didn't make it as a terrorist. They sent me to blow up a car but I burned my lips on the tailpipe.
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She's raising money to build a drive-up window at the Eye Bank.
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Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most ferocious animal on earth.
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Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fischer-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky (for those of you at home keeping score)
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Ban on aerosols! Riot squads armed with roll-on mace.
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I have a friend who says he's gonna quit his job to serve the Lord (but only in an advisory capacity).
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He told his dog to heel and pup stopped limping.
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The best Christmas gift I ever got was a Deluxe Ant Farm With Ant Tractor, Ant Cows, Ant Chickens. A dragon fly as a crop duster
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Little Known Fact: Alligators wont eat you if youre carrying a flashlight. It all depends how fast you carry it.
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I used to work at a Japanese Fast Food place, where you took off only one shoe.
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Getting old isnt so bad. But when your memory goes, forget it.
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A Rousing Cheer for People with Short Attention Spans

SIS BOOM BOMBS AWAY!
COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY
CLOSE THE COVER ON YOUR MATCHES
COUNT YOUR CHICKEN WHEN IT HATCHES.
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She was looking for someone like her father: an old man who gives her money and sleeps with her mother.
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He's a very organized guy. I've seen him filing his fingernails. I usually cut 'em off and throw 'em away.
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Swanson Angry Man Dinner
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Swansons Cryogenic Turkey Dinner -- Pop it in the microwave, the turkey comes back to life.
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...they got together for a heart to heart talk and nearly froze to death.
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So ugly his mother got morning sickness after he was born.
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He told his kid about the birds and the bees. Kid told him about his wife and the mailman.
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When he was a kid playing in the sandbox, the cat tried to cover him up.
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Good taste is timeless, and good times can be tasteless.
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There are teddy bears. Why no teddy tigers? Teddy lions? Teddy iguanas?.
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A loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, and a thou beside me in the wilderness.
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Bad Hangover. Tried to commit suicide by pouring milk over Rice Krispies.
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Cleveland Street is never in a good part of town.
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My uncle has dedicated his live to devloping a sculpt-by-number kit.
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Time heals all wounds. Unless it gets infected, in which case time leaves a scab.
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Family Haircare Emporium Quartet Harmony.
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I'm in an Edna St. Vincent malaise.
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Which are you, a terrific roll in the hay or a turkey in the straw?
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I have trouble remembering three things: names, faces and something else.
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Just how many people in real life call a toilet the bathroom bowl?
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I tried to donate my body to science; science is contesting the will.
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I stayed awake last night trying to figure out the difference between Ricardo Mantalbon and Fernando Lamas.
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They claim Dr. Joyce Brothers knows a lot about boxing. No way. I decked her with three left jabs and a right cross.
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He was an only child, so had no playmates. Had to play with himself. Tried to go pro.
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Remember that kid in middle school who always showered alone after gym class? His mother was afraid he wouldn't like undressing in front of a room full of pubescent boys. My, how wrong she was. Turns out he really likes it now.
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I got these sleeping pills that promised, "You'll sleep like a baby." Wet my bed.
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Résumé entry: Goodyear Rubber, Akron Ohio. Blimp Folder
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In real life, there is no algebra.